Jonesing For More

Temple of Doom is no longer the weakest Indy film in the series. It's still number three in the rankings, it's just now it has the benefit of having something behind it. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is not a terrible film by itself, but as an Indy film, of which expectations are deservedly and reasonably high, it is almost painful to watch. Too many bad jokes, way too much CG, and a film that just, to put it bluntly, lacks balls. Whereas before Indy shoots a guy with a sword because he just doesn't want to fight him, you would think this older Indy should be mowing down every person that tries to swing a punch at him, but he doesn't fire his revolver once in the entire film. During one scene he points his guy at some crazy parkour Amazon indian who runs away, and that's it. This is a way too family friendly Indiana Jones film, with lame bickering between Indy and Marion and Shia LaBoeuwuweuuf's character getting hit in the crotch, heavy handed references to Jones Sr. and Marcus who have since passed and are spinning in their fictional graves. Also the commie villains just lack the same presence of evil so pure it just radiates off of them.
The movie really does falter quite badly when Indy isn't busy getting chased and/or punching guys, and even then it can get a little hokey. Running around tombs, hopping around the globe collecting clues and artifacts, all of that is fine, it's all the character-related dialogue that is so painful to listen to. Also Indy and aliens don't mix, it's one thing to be going after ancient religious artifacts, summoning spirits and undead creatures, but aliens from another dimension just doesn't feel right. I would feel the same way if the next X-Files movie finds Scully and Mulder trying to find Excalibur or something of that nature.
Bringing Marion back was a big mistake, because part of the appeal of the previous three films is that they stand very well being completely separate stories with only the tiniest of threads connecting them. Sure there are some returning characters, but as far as love interests there's a new one every film, like Bond girls.
I'm going to wrap this up because I'll just wind up almost having an aneurysm like last night, but goddamn it, Lucas. You already ruined one franchise, did you really have to go two for two? Mr. Spielberg, please, I beg you, go back and make another one, there's still time, and ditch your turkey-necked, jackass friend for the good of mankind.

-K.