I know I'm averaging a post every hour, but this will probably be the last one today. In what I think was some pretty poor timing, Valve released their delayed, big Team Fortress 2 update last night which includes new achievements, unlockables and a new gametype and map, Gold Rush, which has one team trying to escort a cart of gold to the end of the map with the other trying to stop them. Along with the release came the news that starting this Friday there will be a free play weekend, so if you haven't already purchased Team Fortress 2 you can give it a shot all weekend with no cost to you.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Wednesday Morning Sketch: Monty Python - Argument Clinic
With GTA4 on the brain, and spending the morning with that long post below, I almost completely forgot about this. And now my favorite Python sketch. Truth be told, I don't really like the Parrot Sketch all that much.
Hyperbole Bowl '08
In the beginning, long ago, over a hundred years ago, man discovered fire. Not long after someone smoothed the edges on some rock and created the wheel, and that inevitably led to the automobile, telephone and garbage disposal. There were giant cities and English was the first language created. These were all lost for centuries only to be reinvented much later. I am using The Flintstones and 10,000 B.C. for my basis of ancient history so bear with me. There were great big wars and tiny little dictators, explorers and artists, scientists and philosophers, inventors and visionaries. In the last century alone the world united to fight a great evil and The Pissing Match to End All Pissing Matches between Russia and the US actually produced some great strides in space travel and exploration. But we still haven't had a man or Mars or constructed a moon base. And no flying cars. Sigh. At any rate, all of this has only been build-up to April 2008, when Rockstar released Grand Theft Auto IV for the XBox 360 and PlayStation 3.
The midnight sale at Best Buy was not as horrible as I was anticipating, but only natural that it took place with near freezing temperatures. I left roughly an hour early for the Best Buy down the street and when I showed up I was about the 15th or 16th person in line, nicely wedged between a mute and a group of high school seniors that called each other faggots a little too much, but both parties left me alone, so that worked for me. The group to my right kept going on about how much Best Buy sucks and that they're the greediest and most evil company ever but I guess that didn't stop them from making their purchase there. Thankfully the store split those with pre-orders into a different line and we were allowed in first, I jumped to being the eighth person in line, so I'm glad I pre-ordered. I was able to get through and get my copy fairly quickly, and when I left the line extended down the side of the building and around the corner.
I was surprised overhearing quite a few people saying they were getting the PS3 version, also disturbed at overhearing those same people call themselves "Sony loyalists." I also heard someone talking about how the multiplayer in San Andreas was stupid, really stupid, just plain stupid and not good and stupid. He was referring to the user-made Mutli-Theft Auto multiplayer mod, which this fellow believed to be something Rockstar produced themselves, but I know that as a stranger, a role I prefer in these situations, attempting to correct such misinformation would probably result in heckling or beatings. These kinds of events are also eye-opening, in a way, because it gives another harsh reminder that I am unlike most of my other gaming peers. I was hyped for the game, like everyone else, but what I was looking forward to were the new mechanics at work; the cover system that makes firefights more tactical and intense, the Euphoria physics and animation engine that is really impressive, the turn to creating a darker, serious storyline with deeper, complex characters. I already know that by not being someone that calls everyone he plays against online niggers or faggots it puts me in a minority group, but further still when, after a cop car rolled by, checking out the line, someone near me remarked "I can't wait to blow up your car in the game," I am in an even smaller demographic. Which is why I have to applaud Rockstar for creating this extremely polished and refined game that may well go unappreciated by a large number of the game's players, because they probably could just create the city, puts some guns in it and not bother with anything else and I'm sure it would still sell really well.
I'm a few hours into the main story, balancing that between checking out the city and doing random stuff (I've spent an obscene amount of time at one of the game's bowling alleys), as well as giving the game's various online modes a try, which all have been a blast. I'm sure I'll be going into greater detail later on, but my early impressions so far is that it's really awesome.
-K.
Monday, April 28, 2008
Conversations, Like Friends, Cars, or Houses, Should Be Chosen Wisely
I tried to engage my co-worker on the subject of the upcoming midnight release of Grand Theft Auto IV, an event which draws closer with every passing hour with anticipation only building stronger, to have my opening volley returned with a quite emphasised "meh." You've played one and you've played them all, he explained, defending his position. I tried to give a quick run down of the improvements, with limited ammunition given how tightly Rockstar has kept their hand to their chest, only to be answered with, "The best game made in the last ten years, in my opnion, is Morrowind," okay, I can see that, "or The Sims."
If I was both more atheltic and ill-tempered, I may have leapt over my desk and the cubicle wall partition, in an effort to restore silence.
-K.
What I (Dis)Liked Last Week
I know I've been getting a little lazy with the updates, as I generally do, but on Friday I had an awful cluster headache or migraine or whatever it was that caused enough pain to also inflict strong nausea. I dragged myself into work anyway, stopping occasionally to try to focus my energy on not being in pain. I did some research on WebMD, which is never a good idea, and made a shaky determination that it may, in fact, have been a cluster headache based on the symptoms described. It also went on to say that processed meats, bread and caffeine have chemicals that can act as triggers for cluster headaches, a disconcerting thing to read as I hate an Arby's sandwich and drank my Water Joe (caffeinated water). The weekend wasn't much better with a sort of dull buzzing in my head, but I'm feeling better now, my brain lives on to explode another day.
Finished off Mass Effect over the weekend and despite some annoying inventory management issues it was still one of the most compelling games I've ever played, a fully realized and beautifully executed space opera. Since I got it cheap off of the Expert Zone I didn't feel the need to dive right into it, not with the PC version still just around the corner, coming out next month. I was bored one day and decided to fire it up for a minute, see what it was like and then go back to waiting for the (allegedly) much improved PC version. So by the end of the game, doing all the side quests I found (Which I assume was the majority, if not all), it clocked in at a healthy 35 hours, and I even fired it up for a second playthrough which lets you continue using your same character. I guess what I'm saying is that when it finally pops up on PC it'll be more than worthy of your attention.
I also picked up Doom on Live Arcade when it went half price a few weeks ago, and played through that again as well. Something struck me as odd the entire time I was playing it, which I couldn't quite put a finger on, why is Doom still fun? I've pretty much played it on every system I've ever owned, homebrew or otherwise. That includes the GBA and DS. I don't think it's just nostalgia at work, there are other classic games I loved that I just can't get into anymore. I tried giving the original Grand Theft Auto another crack, and just couldn't manage it. When it came out for PC, one of the first games that took advantage of 3DFX cards which were also just coming out, I played it for hours on end. But the awful on foot combat controls, the top-down camera that does extend quite far back enough so when you're trying to move fast you'll often smash into cars you don't see until it's too late, lack of a save feature other than completing all the missions in a city, I couldn't stomach it for more than fifteen minutes. But Doom, with its shoddy texture work, levels that don't represent at all what they're supposed to be (You're telling me the whole first episode is supposed to be a moon base with laboratories?), a story that's barely there, and dated key-hunting gameplay, still ropes me in. Sure, it still has the best shotgun in a game ever, and the best power-up (Berserk! Because anyone who doesn't think being able to pummel a demon from hell to death with your bare hands isn't cool isn't worth listening to.), there's really no reason that I should still enjoy this. Can someone help me out on this?
Speaking of Grand Theft Auto, I'll be attending my first midnight release for anything tonight at the Best Buy in South County, waiting for GTA4 with other sweaty nerds and other unlikable archetypes of our generation. I dread that I'll be stuck in line with someone who really loves Halo 3 and wants to trade Gamertags, or be witness to a 360 vs. PS3 fanboy debate. They're promising giveaways and fun times. I don't want giveaways and fun times. I just want to buy it and go home. I really hope the local news doesn't show up to get some footage like they did with the PS3 and Wii releases. I'm sure I'll have more to report about this later.
-K.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Wednesday Morning Sketch: Mr Show - The Story of Everest
And now what may be my favorite Mr. Show sketch.
Monday, April 21, 2008
Stop It
Stop it. Stop it stop it stop it. Stop it.
Stop talking about these stupid prank videos you're watching. Stop it. I don't care. I don't give a shit about this hilarious prank about an old lady and a car and tires and a cop and whatever the fuck is going on. I'd like to watch this episode of 30 Rock (Thank you, Hulu) but I have to keep pausing to listen to you jabber on about this stupid bullshit. No, no, don't come over to my desk and act it out, okay you're going to anyway, better minimize this. Jesus fucking Christ stop it, stop it, it's been thirty minutes now, stop it. Don't come back around to tell me about another one, please don't. Okay, here you come. Goddamn it. Stop it.
Help me, internet, someone please shut YouTube down for the next couple hours.
Friday, April 18, 2008
I Am Lazy
No Play This Now this week, you should go play Mr. Robot if you still haven't already.
The earth quaketh, but I didn't really feel it. There was a loud bang that woke me up, almost like when you get that falling sensation and you flinch and wake yourself up, but I didn't see anything shake and I slept peacefully through the aftershocks. I'm kind of disappointed.
-K.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
The Never-Ending Cycle
So a few weeks ago Travis, Tim and I went and fired guns so we could feel like big, strong, manly men. Since that time the bug had bitten me once again to purchase a new firearm and consider taking shooting as a serious hobby. I really wanted to get a H&K USP since we fired it there and I was looking at pricing guides and combing through GunBroker and browsing through gun shops for hours. Earlier tonight I went back to that same range to try out the USPs they had, once again, in three different calibers, racking up a bill of about $70, and afterwards I had this sort of "full" feeling. Much as the same one I had after I had purchased my big stupid revolver and took it out for the first time and didn't touch it again for two years. My hunger high-velocity ordnance had been sated. Maybe it's just more fun when you're with other people, and I'm sure the urge will return once again, though this time around I escaped its explosive grip without making a large purchase.
On my way home I stopped at PetCo because my cats were completely out of food, so I grabbed a large bag of their usual brown-ish food pellet things and threw it on the counter, ready to make my purchase and leave when the young, red-haired cashier behind the counter asked me if I had a PetCo Pals discount card. "No," I replied. Pause. "Would you like to sign up for one?" She asks, calmly. "No, thanks," I respond, level-headedly. "You know you'd save ten bucks if you got one," She counters, gently. "No, that's okay," I verbally parry, evenly. I was perfectly happy with this convention of cool we had established, and usually this is where a dialogue of this nature should end. "BUT IT'S FREE AND YOU WOULD SAVE TEN DOLLARS," she explodes into a fit of not-cool.
Now, I worked at Spencer's for two years, that's more retail experience that I would like to have had. I wasn't in it as long as many others have and will remain, but I knew I had enough when it was over. We had a similar program at the store, a free discount card, and I would occasionally ask people if they would like to sign up. During my short stay there I quickly learned that when a customer says "No, thanks, I'd rather not," 99.999% of the time that actually meant "No, thanks, I'd rather not." At first I thought she was just being pushy in that kind of not-serious, funny way, but after several refusals I realized that this was just push in that kind of serious, not-funny way. I was surprised I was able to leave without one, but after the police hostage negotiator talked her down I was able to make my purchase and feed my starving pets.
Though before that, seeing as I had not eaten since noon and it was fast approaching 8:30 I was getting a big hungry myself, so I made my way to the closest Subway. I had to go to three different Subways because the first two had decided they would close a full half hour early, one of them locking the door but allowing friends of theirs to come in and get food and sit down and eat them. When I made it to the third Subway, getting stuck behind vehicles moving ten miles below the speed limit, an old man with a chest-length beard entered before I did. He asked for a po' boy, which the people behind the counter had never heard of, because they did not serve it. Every question posed to the old man afterwards about what he wanted was answered with "Everything." Judging by appearance, I don't believe he's ordered a sandwich since before the war. I am of course referring to the War of 1812. After several minutes of trying to talk the old man through his order of "Everything" and eventually crafting a reasonable sandwich for a human being to consume I was able to get mine, which upon consuming I notice some of the lettuce had an odd creamy texture which I don't think is usually a quality attributed to the vegetable.
Ironically, after all that, I wanted to shoot something.
-K.
Wednesday Morning Sketch: Kids in the Hall - Citizen Kane
So here's another regular segment I think I'll try to keep up, and it's not video game related! I present to you my favorite Kids in the Hall sketch.
Monday, April 14, 2008
Even the Winners Are Losers
Internet, I know we've had our disagreements, in fact I hate a lot of what you do. I hate you for LOLcats and what can only be described as the Chuck Norris Renaissance. I hate you for Rickrolling and allowing people like Tay Zonday to flourish. I hate you for countless number of sites dedicated to the display of gay erotic anime fan fiction written by partially schizophrenic young girls. I hate you for helping create a world where people like Maddox would otherwise remain obscure.
But I'm not here to talk about that, I'm here to thank you, Internet, because I would not have otherwise learned about Raymond Taylor. Watch the video. Read the subsequent article. Learn about the legend.
I hope you're still out there somewhere, Raymond, reaching for the dream.
-K.
It's a Joke, It's Funny Joke Time.
P.S. If anyone was using remote access to see what I was doing I am not really going to strangle my co-worker. Just FYI.
-K.
Everyone Loves a Mute
I think I may strangle my co-worker soon. It's going to happen. How can someone keep repeating the same joke over and over again without any reaction? If not that, then regaling me tales of "hilarious" YouTube videos.
He's packing a monitor into a box to be shipped out, he came over to me and said "Yeah, I told Ron if he wanted me to pack some fuzzy bunny slippers in there, too." He said it in a bad British accent. I don't know what that means. He's repeating "fuzzy bunny slippers" in the accent every minute or so and I have stopped even pretending to laugh at it, but that does not dissuade him. He just did it again but added "It go hippity-hop."
It must be awesome to work with Teller.
-K.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Friday, April 11, 2008
Play This Now: Mr. Robot
What do you get when you combine D/Generation, System Shock, Final Fantasy and a few dozen semi-obscure sci-fi references? A really weird game, obviously, but you'll probably end up with something very similar to Moonpod's little-known indie gem Mr. Robot. If I had to tell what kind of game it is I'd have to say isometric action puzzle platformer adventure/JRPG, which should give you some idea how busy this game is. As the massive colony ship Eidolon coasts towards their destination, its crew asleep in cryogenic chambers, hundreds of robots are busy keeping the ship running for the duration of the long journey, led by the omnipotent AI HEL-9000 (Get it? GET IT?!). Well, naturally, turns out HEL's up to no good, one of the crew members is dead, he's got a legion of security bots at his command and it's up to lowly service robot 1138 (Asimov to his friends) to put a stop to it. The game is split into two distinct halves, alternating between the two as you progress, puzzle platformer and JRPG-style combat. You'll navigate the ship pushing crates around, avoiding obstacles and making your way from room to room, but if you can manage to hop on an enemy's head or hack into certain terminals you'll enter a Shadowrun-y cyberspace, fighting hostile programs along the way. It's standard JRPG fare, you and your friends fight baddies, gain XP, get new abilities, buy new equipment and repeat. It's a fun, unique and charming game that I would've gladly paid $24.95 for had I heard about it sooner. But that's the best bit, all you've got to do is grab the GameTap client, no account required, and download the whole game for free. It's ad-supported, which means you have to sit through a 15-second video ad every time you want to play, but just compare that to how many unskippable videos Ubisoft or EA will put at the beginning of every game.
Link, GameTap's Mr. Robot page.
-K.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Rainbow is the Most Potent Weapon in Freedom's Arsenal
The squad AI in Tom Clancy's Rainbow Six: Vegas 2 (Oakland 5) is amazing.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Professor Layton Trailer
I felt like putting this up because I really got sucked into Professor Layton and the Curious Village, and you should too.
Interplay it Again
Interplay, who I was sure was going to be dead and gone long before now after announcing their latest project, while they were already in a very bad spot, would be a Fallout MMO. As the market stands now, I simply do not see the value in creating an MMO, because Blizzard has essentially won that market, for the time being at least. It takes a lot of time, a lot of money, and you're basically swinging for the fences on a long shot, dozens have tried and failed. Instead of putting your company on the chopping block for a huge gamble, I always thought it would be a good idea to make some money on smaller games and work with the properties they still had. Clearly their internet spies, who know I'm a pretty big deal on the intertron, were paying attenion. They just announced that they're working on new titles in the MDK, Earthworm Jim, and Descent franchises. That sounds really good to me.
Also sometime last year Square released a 3D remake of Final Fantasy III for DS (The real FF3, not just FF6 renamed for the US), and now they're set to do the same thing with Final Fantasy IV this summer. I'm not too big on the FF series since the cast of incredibly dim-witted clownshoes made me stop playing Final Fantasy X half way through and I didn't even bother with X-2 due to the relentlessly irritating "girl power" vibe I got from it. Square could really win my favor again if they started bring the Front Mission games back overseas, or announced a sequel to Vagrant Story, or remade Chrono Trigger. There's actually a possibility to that last one, though. During an interview in Nintendo Power recently with director Takashi Tokita stated, "Chrono Trigger was a no-holds-barred, swashbuckling adventure that was a lot of fun to work on. If the demand is great enough, it's certainly possible." I am demanding this, and I hate most JRPGs. If they gave Chrono Trigger the same 3D treatment they did with these FF games, I'd buy twenty.
I don't know what I'd do with the other nineteen, though.
-K.
Managing Synergies to Reduce Backward Overflow
Three months into my new job I was forced to attend an orientation conference this morning that last for four hours. 30 people were supposed to attend and I was about one out of 12 that actually showed up. Maritz is a large company that handles services for several other large companies, and while getting to know what each department does give me a better idea of what they actually do, it does nothing that helps me do my job. Or anybody else in the technology department, for that matter, since hearing the details about Maritz Incentives deals with Chase bank does not help people managing SQL servers or .NET programmers. This was all done alongside a PowerPoint presentation that had tons of useless clip art and effects. Holy shit, look at that icon spin!
I was also ready to kill everyone in the room and then myself when one of the speakers said they were looking to have a "paradigm shift."
Taking a tour of the Maritz Data Center, which handles all the data from the offices around the world, was kind of interesting -- For the first twenty minutes. When the head of the area started talking about new color copiers and showed us air filters made with horse hair he started to lose me.
I could've spent that time doing something much more worthwhile back at my desk, like reading web comics and watching last night's ball game. I'll go do that now.
-K.
Monday, April 7, 2008
Testing Video
I'm just seeing how video uploading works here, and I'm using this screwed up line from Oblivion I captured to test it.
An Open Letter
Dear People That Wear Yankees Caps and Jerseys,
Fuck you. I know you're not from New York, you've never even been there. You're only wearing that because it's a fashionable thing to do. You probably don't even follow baseball even remotely, because then you'd know they're a bunch of overpaid hacks and has-beens. They blow, and, by proxy, so do you.
Now stop it.
-K.
P.S. The Red Sox can go piss up a rope, too.
What I (Dis)Liked This Week
Another week begins and here I am at work on no sleep, after tossing and turning for six hours. That also happened last Wednesday and I called in sick, I don't think they'd much like it if I did it again in such close proximity. Anyway, let's talk video games and stuff.
So getting tired of waiting for the release of the PC version next month, I finally popped in the copy of Mass Effect I got for the 360 a while back (Off the Expert Zone, I didn't pay $60 and just let it sit there). That was Friday night, and by the time I went to bed just before the sun began to rise on Sunday I had put 15 of your earth hours into it. What we've basically got here is a prettied-up Knights of the Old Republic that's more action-oriented and not set in the Star Wars universe, and that's fine by me. The enemy AI is a little clunky in that most creatures, humanoid, machine or otherwise, will most likely just run right at you and the game really likes to fuck you over in some of the indoor sections of side-quests where you'll enter a room and suddenly be gang-raped by twenty rocket-packing security droids. It's very clear that it was a carefully created game, crafted by teams of writers, artists and programmers that all brought a vibrant and complex universe, full of strange planets and races and history, to realization, but apparently there was only one guy in charge of the inventory interface and he was doing his best to get fired. When bartering there's no way to separate items by category, they're all just lumped in together, and when there's a billion types of everything (There are three different armor classifications per species alone) it gets a little frustrating, especially when scrolling moves so slowly. When you reach your maximum inventory limit the game tries to warn you when you're reaching it and when you find new stuff and want to take it but don't have room to you're not allowed. You can't even put it back down or swap out some older equipment for it, you're forced to discard it forever. Other than interface problems the game is engrossing and gorgeous and filled with character, the new conversation system isn't revolutionary but enjoyable and effective, and all the voice actors involved do a great job, save for Seth Green who plays the character of Seth Green as a spaceship pilot.
Since Grand Theft Auto IV is coming out in roughly two weeks I've decided to jump back into GTA: San Andreas, picking up the GTA collection for $30 on Steam. If you haven't played it yet then by all means you really need to because it's one of the best action games ever created and probably why I'm excited for GTA IV's release since I can only expect them to take the same improving formula and make it even better. Typically I'm very critical and dismissive of a game that takes more than an hour to "get into it" but that's the case with this, for me, at least. It isn't the fault of the gameplay, that's perfectly fine, it's just that in the beginning of the game you're introduced to a cadre of some of the most annoying characters ever produced in any piece of fiction. If there was a drinking game based on how many times someone says "gangsta," "busta," or "nigga" you'd be dead within the first two minutes. Though once you get out of the first city and out into the countryside, eventually meeting up with James Woods' CIA spook character, everything gets much better. James Woods makes everything better.
Been watching Nick Frost's (Shaun of the Dead, Hot Fuzz) Danger! 50,000 Volts and it's a very entertaining show. Basically it's Nick tackling different survival scenarios that range from avoiding kimono dragon attacks to how to seal up a sinking naval vessel, with Nick interviewing related experts and taking part in hands-on demonstrations. There's an extra on the Shaun of the Dead DVD featuring an extra segment not in the series titled "Danger! 50,000 Zombies," with Simon Pegg as an Australian zombie expert, that's done in the exact same format of the show. I'm told you can find that particular "episode" on the internets, specifically YouTube. You should watch it because I said so.
That's pretty much it, I'm going to concentrate on not passing out at my desk now.
-K.
Friday, April 4, 2008
Play This Now: Trilby - The Art of Theft
Trilby, the gentleman thief protagonist from the point-and-click adventure 5 Days a Stranger, returns in this stealth action platformer titled Trilby: The Art of Theft. Created by Ben Croshaw of "Zero Punctuation" fame, it's quite a departure from his earlier old school adventure game work, but a decent play nonetheless. It's easy to pick up and get into thanks to a quick tutorial and has a surprising length for a game created by one man. There's no saving in the middle of a mission, demanding you plan and time your movements carefully, but the lack of that feature can get frustrating especially when you're trying to go for a perfect mission rating. The higher the rating you receive the more prestige points you'll earn allowing you to purchase new moves and abilities to make things easier, as well as some unlockable outfits, adding some depth and replayability to a relatively simple game. You'll probably plow through it in an hour or two, but it's worth the download just to see a stealth game doesn't have to be military-themed or be an overwrought mess.
Download, artoftheft.zip (2MB)
-K.
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
Inventing Things Which Have Already Been Invented
So after the rainout on Monday the real first game of the season began last night with an unfortunate loss to the Colorado Rockies, 2-1. Kyle Lohse had an impressive starting debut giving up only a couple hits and no runs. Kyle McClellan also made his major league debut coming in as a reliever in the sixth inning, retiring all three batters he faced and ending it with a strikeout that earned him a standing ovation from the crowd. He's from Hazelwood and he's only four months older than I am. Hearing those kinds of things casts a weird perspective for me.
As I was watching the game there was a particular Budweiser ad that came up several times, featuring their spokesman guy with tiny eyes and a misshapen head, talking about all the innovations AB has made throughout the history of beer. They were the first to have refrigerated rail cars, he tells us, and the first to put born-on dates on all of their products. Now he's proud to introduce AB's latest innovation: The Freshlock Cap. It keeps the air out, he explains, and the freshness in.
Maybe I don't know enough about the bottling process or hydrodynamics or general engineering or what-have-you, but I thought that's what a bottle cap already does.
-K.
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